As my only qualification for giving state-of-emergency natural disaster preparedness advice, is my father’s aspirations of becoming a meteorologist, this serves as a disclaimer to look elsewhere for credible tips, such as the American Red Cross or VeganSaurus for your pets. With that being said, if you are still reading, I will share with you 5 sure-fire tips to survive Hurricane Sandy…
- Booze Simple as it sounds. Have beverages accessible in significant quantities. Booze may serve many purposes including, but not limited to, warmth, sustenance, pain killing properties, anti-anxiety effect. I’ve selected the incredibly high-brow Bud Light Lime margarita in a can. Not because I particularly enjoy the taste, but because it was on sale at Morton William’s and the rest of Hell’s Kitchen had already wiped the shelves clean of all other reputable beverages.
- Cuddles Don’t feel obligated to recruit a human volunteer for this task. As we’ve learned from Temple Grandin and the Thundershirt sometimes we all benefit from a squeeze and some sensory deprivation. I’ve enlisted my (absolutely adorable award winning) black American short hair Tallulah for the job.
- Place of Refuge (with proximity to booze) with my bathroom being the furthest into my apartment from the windows Tallulah and I will take to the cuddles in my moderately clean, eucalyptus scented bathtub. I couldn’t find a bunker anywhere – although if memory serves me, my middle school was an old fall-out shelter…
- Lip gloss You may be saying to yourself, Sarah is so fashionable. Or conversely, Sarah is so vain. Perhaps you’ve said both and you’re right. But, not the reason I’ve listed lip gloss. Oh no. Think about it – what is worse than chapped lips?
- Charged cellular devices if the booze fails, and the body pillow you’ve been cuddling isn’t cutting the cake, I suggest you ensure all mobile devices are charged and in proximity of your place of refuge. It can be guaranteed at some point you will lose service (especially if you have Verizon like me) so your mobile devices are your one last connection to the outside world, the Seamless app and all your cloud-stored books and music. And if you’re curious, the song I’ll be listening to on repeat? Dancing on My Own. Naturally.
Because the psychic on my block was closed this evening (rude) I have no way of knowing if Tallulah and I will live to post footage of our drunken debauchery in the bathtub. So, instead I’ve included my father’s preparation for the last natural disaster I experienced in Baltimore.